Where are you my Mr. Confidence?!

I want to say "I'm great, thanks!" every time anybody greets me or asks me either seriously or casually without meaning much, as is the case most often. But I can't say it cause doing so makes me feel guilty of not being truthful, although they won't know my reality or even care to know. So, "Hmm, I'm OK!" is normally my response.

I know I am not doing great. Nothing is going as good as I wanted. Not that I have too many wants or too big of wants. Even the simpler wants don't seem to be falling into my way. The situation worsens by the each passing day as I helplessly gaze myself spiralling into the deepest level of hopelessness. Seeing me in such a bad shape, some of my mates would out of deep concern ask me "where is the positivity that you used to always exude?" My guess is just as good as theirs.

That feeling of hopelessness creeps in every now and then, almost paralysing my academic pursuit forward. It is so frustrating but in the truest of sense there is not much of way-out options from this bad situation than fighting till the last breath. I have been looking for an answer in the form of inspirations and motivation from external sources which have been largely successful but now it remains for me to really refocus, if possible reinvent and relaunch from this bad port to a higher, perhaps a better place. I need to really regain my confidence and self-esteem which I have been running on low for quite a while now.

But I have not been able to figure how to do so far. The remedies that I have been trying to put up have yet to yield positive result. All the while I came to realise that the situation can either make you or break you. Its the way how you handle it that matters the most. Sometimes, I feel it isn't always the case that the "Tough situation makes strong person". But there is always a hope in everything, and that a solution exists to every problem. Just that it may not be so trivial to figure it out yet,  that much I have learnt from being a struggling yet passionate practicing mathematician!

Hope good wishes and prayers are on my way from the beloved readers.

Happy Day. :)

“The Imitation Game” --The Power of Mathematics

That was it; my brain wouldn’t register anything anymore, thanks to the terrible insomnia I suffered the night before. With terrible headache and blinding dizziness, the last place I wanted to be in was at the monotonous three-hour each English and computing classes! Yeah, you know what I meant? Elementary and obvious stuff-word document, excel, power point etc. All I wanted was to just go home and launch straight into the bed, so badly. But I couldn’t. My friends had a plan-the plan to go watch movie. “Come on, you should come, it will be fun”, says everyone, almost dragging me on.

Yeah, why not, being a nice (obedient? :) ) friend that I am, I hopped into the Bus to the Randwick city. My friends are a good mix of Cambodian, Nepalese, Bangladeshi, Mongolian, Indonesian and Fijian. The good thing about our group is that there is only one from each country, meaning we don’t have to deal with people conversing in their own language. The only complain if I may call is the disagreement that we encounter every time we decide to choose the restaurant-some needs Halal, some hate seafood while some love, some don’t eat pork and beef while some eat eggs but not chicken (that’s me!). If one is really hungry, this is not a group to be in in the very first place!

Benedict Cumberbatch as Alan Turing 
Source: Google

After a few minutes of manoeuvring, we arrived at the Ritz Cinema. “The Imitation Game” was the movie they had chosen and even managed to buy the tickets the day before. Yeah, for all of us! I had not a clue of what it was about. All I cared was that it was not an animation movie! Just in case I informed my friends that I might fall asleep in between and made sure they don’t leave me alone in the theatre long after they are gone! But little did I know that the movie that was up would enter into my list of best movies based on true story. The 114 minutes movie is based on the true story about the World War II which features Benedict Cumberbatch as Alan Turing who was an English Mathematician known for his high intelligence from a very young age, recognized by the teachers but not respected! :(  His expertise in cryptography takes him from Cambridge University to the newly created British’s Intelligence Agency MI6, where he was tasked to crack Nazi codes, Enigma - which cryptanalysts had thought unbreakable. Turing's team, including Joan Clarke (Keira Knightley), analyses Enigma messages while he builds a machine to decipher them. As expected his journey isn’t a smooth sail. It is quite saddening and frustrating to see how bureaucracy blocks his way, but Turing and team finally succeed and become heroes. As per the endnotes, his invention of the machine which he named Christopher in memory of his childhood friend had helped shorten the war by 2 years and saved millions of lives.

So, see, this is an intense mathematics being put into real practice! Now, I have an answer to people who wanted to know why crazy people like me ‘love’ mathematics and devotes life and time in learning the subject. A friend of mine recently asked me, “What is there in mathematics which needs more in-depth study on?” Another friend nods in agreement with her. I tried convincing her that if everybody thinks like her and not take effort to learn mathematics, then there will be a time (not too far) with not a single mathematics teacher. They don’t seem to be convinced going by their plain expression. “What is there? Even engineers can teach mathematics,” comes out the response almost instantly. Well, apart from feeling little pity about the lack of understanding of the applicability and multi-disciplinary nature of the mathematics, I couldn’t debate head on. I retrieved myself feeling defeated after this, “Yeah Engineers can teach, tell this or that happens, apply that formula, BUT won’t be able to say WHY this or that happens!” There are more to mathematics than the mere numbers and formulas which normal people think it to be! But I think the part of the problems lie with the mathematics teachers ourselves for failing to communicate and teach the applications part to our students. As a result of which our students become engineers, teachers, officers with no gratitude for mathematics and its enormous ability to solve world problems like-Enigma! Mathematics is after all far more than being ‘boring and tough’ subject. 

In doubt? Go watch “The Imitation Game”! :) I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT!

Alan Turing!

Source: Google

P.S. However, despite all those historic discoveries and contributions to the humanity, this quiet genius (Alan Turing) met a disgrace after the authorities revealed he was gay and forced to take hormones. He committed suicide in 1954. 

But WHY? Why and why?

I've been scanned, literally, through to a lot of 'whys' and still I've yet to be over with 'why'. Almost everybody that I bump into there I get that anticipated ‘why’ flying rather instantly. My friends normally dub me mostly affectionately than matter-of-factly as a positive person, but I am quite doubtful as to how long I can stay positive if these ‘whys’ keep flowing! I don't blame anybody else for that matter since throwing those sorts of question keep me checked! But some times it gets tiring to hear over and over again to the extent that it begins to even sound offensive! Nevertheless, as the time passes by I bounce back to normal. Good thing about all these is that it gave me and continues to give me opportunity to reflect upon my course of actions hence leading to a newer and more importantly better perspective.

It was in year 2007 that I got an opportunity to study mathematics in the United States under the auspices of Fulbright scholarship. Why mathematics? You'll be a teacher upon returning know that? I didn’t meet a single person appreciating my choice of subject! All right, whatever, I followed my intuition and four years later I came back with the degree. Soon after, I applied, sat for the interview and was luckily selected, barely, for an assistant lecturer post at Sherubtse College. Why Sherubtse? It's very remote, why not CST or Gedu? Yeah, all right, whatever! A few months already into the job and I was kind of getting the hang of it! Why aren't you married yet? Why don’t you have a girl friend? Car? Blah blah, yeah, all right whatever! A semester later, I was sent off to Samtse to undergo PGDE for a year. I feel extremely lucky to have got chance to learn new things about education and pedagogies. And there comes another cohort of whys- why are you doing this, wasting time and money? You don't need this in university teaching. Nine months passed by with lots of fun, at least got a year to experience Bhutanese college life! Back to the college, now with full load-two modules for a beginner! Ah ha? Then another set pops up: why are you not going for masters? Why wait for third countries? Waste of time by waiting! Blah, yeah you are damn right! A year later, I got called for the interview and subsequently nominated for the Australian Awards intake 2015! Why don't you take dependents? Why not take your girl friend? Why not marry now? As if marrying is as easy as they think! Why don't you make fake MC and take someone with you? Why to Sydney? Go to Perth! Aha? Why to UNSW? It's a tough university! Why mathematics again? Take Statistics! 

Thank lord, I survived all those years and even become resistant to all sorts of questions. But one thing I couldn't do was giving an answer to any of the questions. Hope one day I can be able to do to all.